So Xmas this year we had a wonderful morning of presents, and pancakes, and laughing and playing! quite frankly i was a bit worried about it, considering its the first year solo. But our kids are amazingly resilient and such good sports! Rhett even said to me after we were driving that he could see that I was happy and that seeing them happy was good for me, such a sweetheart! After we had a relaxing and delicious morning with friends, we heading to the "fockers" as I like to call them aka my parents! We do a white elephant exchange every year with just adults so every year we def out-do the last year. They are mostly rated R or more, but to say that you almost pee laughing would be an understatement! the List is as follows
Ed got a gianormous blanket with the mud flap girls, ya know the angel and devil silhouettes
Sarah got a set of rad head lamps
Eric got elephant banana hammock
Elliott got drop in water and grow your own boobs, and tasty nipple goo.....YUMMY! hah
Kim got cheese bawllz
Erin got emergency shits ziploc bag, with toilet paper
Scott got a how to belly dance kit
Emily got a rad socket set:) PERFECT
Uncle David got shrimp snappies kitty treats
Aunt Xena got the mother nursing 4 babies statue
Dad got the license plate cover that has a message board on it
Adam got flashlights
Elisebeth got a knife set
Somewhere in all of this Ed brought Sarahs dead grandpas dentures and they were NASTY!!
Here is a little video of some of the end of the night........keep watching the whole thing, def worth it!!!

Its ALMOST a new year SO......

Since the year is coming to an end and I have been having this seemingly out body experience, I decided its now the time to get grounded! I know that I am not the only person that uses disassociation as a coping mechanism, but I do know that is how I survive some days. When this gets sticky or a situation comes up I instantly feel like I am watching a movie. And then I relive, sometimes every moment down to smells, in my sleep. I have had countless nights that i awake to the sound of me, crying and talking! I know some people may read this and think I have lost my mind, but I assure you as crazy as I may seem some days, I have discovered many other women either in a similar situation or even completely different ones that these things also happen to them. I wouldnt wish this on anyone or any marriage, but since I am in it its time to start talking and sharing some of the hard things and maybe help some one. So I have realized that I am not the only woman who has found out some of the things I did, and I am not the only woman who sits back and thinks that someone must have gotten this struggle mixed up with someone else when the Good Lord handed out trials. But even though I sit back and wonder what the heck happened, I know there is a reason and a purpose for every tear I have shed, and will shed. I stepped away from so many things when things really started getting hard, and I am ready to do the things that I used to love.

On my list (I wont put then in any order)
Go SNOW BOARDING! I have never done it and it is TIME
Get my RUN on, More than I have been anyways:)
SMILE more and CRY less
Learn MORE songs on my guitar
Sit down and just be alone with my own THOUGHTS and know I am ok
Blog again, this is a start, RIGHT???
Take more PICTURES
BUILD some stuff and get DIRTY doing it!! (yes use my power tools that I love so much)
give a MONKEY a high five! (some of you maybe thought i forgot, NOPE!)
LOVE my body the way it is and just know this is ME
Try and let people in, meaning let then WALLS come down a bit!

Well hopefully all this jarble makes sense to SOMEBODY
and it is helpful is some small way!

So to say that since the last post on my blog my world has been shaken, flipped, broken, and a bit bruised would be an understatement. I know that my life and the craziness that
has enveloped my my family is a tragedy, but I also am just grateful for what I do
have and here are a few things that have been on my mind
1. I am grateful to have happy healthy children that can love both
parents even through the storms
2. The realization that true real friends are hard to come by, and how grateful
I am to have the ones I do have that come over without an invite to lay
on the floor and cry with me til I can see straight enough to get up
3. How I know that even when I feel forgotten, I get a dose of reality
4. For family that believes in the real me
5. Hope, plain and simple
I know that through everything that has gone on that I have to be the best me that i can be, and know that I can be a good person even if no body else is around to tell me so. I am grateful for so many things and this divorce has changed more than just what is obvious. I know that these circumstances were given to me for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned. Thank you to everyone that has been there for me, and for believing in ME!