Draggin

So this week I have been draggin!! Last week I was on a roll, getting crap done and feeling good doing it! This week? not so much. In fact the 30th was my anniversary, 13 years, and i tried to just stay busy with some good friends to not think about it so much. Dont know what is harder the fact that its 13 whole years or that I lost out on something that I put soooooo much time and energy into. I realize that I was not a perfect wife, nobody is, but I do know that I know I fought a good fight and in the end THAT is where I get my peace. I know that I did all I could to make it work, even though it didnt go my way. I have lost out on too many things during this process, but have gained so much as well. I have really gotten to know ME, and I realized that I dont need anyone else to reassure me that who I am is enough.
I had a dream last week, I have VERY vivid and used to be mostly stressful dreams, and I went to petsmart to pick out a lizard to accompany my boys pet chameleon. And as I was looking in all the small glass tanks a catapillar caught my eye, it was the exact one from ALICE and WONDERLAND!! He was plump and colorful and smoking a pipe, of course! He even had the little hands and boots on his feet! It really was CRAZY!! Anyway in this dream, I debated on buying him, WHY u ask? Because I didnt know what kind of Butterfly he would be!! So you can look at this crazy dream as just a crazy dream, but since my dreams usually coincide with my emotions and what chaos is going on, it seems to me that is a fear of mine. What if I end up the same way after another marriage? What if I think the person I marry is all the colorful wonderful things and ends up to be all show? Scares the CRAP out of me! I have had very few family members in this position, and of course not this EXACT one, and they end up in the mirror image of the first one!
Maybe I shouldn't even think too much on it. I want my kids to grow up and see that their dad and I are happy, even if we aren't together and happy. They deserve to see me with someone that calls me during the day because he just has 5 mins to make me laugh, and someone to giggle in bed over super lame things that only we would find hilarious. They deserve to know the difference in a happy healthy relationship, I just wish they didnt have to learn this way.