Seeing Clear

over the last 6 or so years i have been in a tail spin of many sorts. on a personal level, trying to remember the person i was raised to be, and trying desperately to let her back in and take over the chaos for me. that doesnt just HAPPEN, it takes alot of tears, hard work and more than any "normal" dose of reality. sometimes this reality smacks you square in the kisser and you dont even have a right hook as a counter to it! it has taken me seeing the things that i viewed as to be my very most prized possessions all but ripped from me. it has also taken nights of crazy dreams and remembering things that my heart has tried to lock away so deep that it couldnt hurt me any longer and it just pops up when you least expect it! for the first time in WAY too long i feel like the clarity is finally coming out! i want to dance around in my kitchen singing at the top of my lungs like i used to do when i thought i was "happy". well THAT girl is gone and ME has returned, stronger and hopefully wiser that she had been in the recent years. I have had some amazing support and some seriously amazing family and friends to snuggle me when i have needed it, and to tell me a funny story when i needed a good giggle. i have learned the value of a REAL smile, i think most people would say i love to smile, but having come from the places i have and the emotions that i have had, a GOOD, REAL, TRUE smile is definitely valued! I am not perfect, not by ANY stretch of the imagination, but you know what? i am def in a place where i have seen perfect moments!

I just want a real hug!!

I dont know what title I would name this post so I thought that one actually fit. I have done alot of not only soul searching and self-searching during this process, but also I have been doing alot of learning as well. Today was an emotionally draining day for me in particular. I had an apt today that went alot deeper than I am typically "willing" to go. I had a few HUGE realizations. One of the things that i absolutely realized was that on that awful Aug morning when all the "stuff" came to light, I knew I wasnt protected. Not only was my heart not protected, but neither was my own personal health. I put faith and trust where it had no business being, because i chose to fight longer and harder for something that was only mine to want. I have no doubt that a part of him did want our seemingly perfect appearing family to stay whole, but the "fight" was no longer there. He didnt move out for another 8 months after that day, and those 8 months proved a TON of things for me. Back to that Aug. i realized today at my apt that part, and a very small part, of the nightmares that i have are due to the fact that even in that moment where you somehow expect all the love and proteciton and comfort, i didnt feel it as deep as i needed it. I didnt tell a single soul everything that went on, I did tell one person a small, VERY small portion of the story. I think I thought that she could somehow help me through it, she couldnt.
I realized today that you know who I wanted a hug from? My mother, funny that I am in those shoes that when my kids are sad or upset or feel vulnerable, they want a hug.....from ME! My mom and I havent always been the best of friends and quite frankly used to fight like wild banshees, but in those very scary moments I wanted HER hugs, and HER protection, to make it all better! Now I know with all the surety in the world that i she could take this hurt away and this pain, she would and wouldnt even hesitate! But this isnt hers and its mine, my time to grow and learn! Heaven surely know how I have learned, grown, twisted, bruised and broke! But you know what? I am lucky, still. I have amazing FAMILY and real TRUE friends that really dont care if and when I am all of those things, they love me anyways and support me anyways.
So next time you see your sweet babies with even a hint of that "Something is off" just give them a hug, a REAL mom HUG!

Creativity!!

It has been a while since I have taken the kids "OUT" to do something other than parks or something that doesn't cost money, SOOOO we decided sat was the day to get out away from chores and a house full of unmade beds and disorganized play rooms and get a bit dirty! We went and picked out some ceramics and sat and painted and talked and just really enjoyed the afternoon with each other. I loved to watch them get into "the zone" and watch their own ideas unfold. Reese came in this am and reminded me that we only have 6 more days to get our pottery back! I am anxious to see how they all look:) So thanks to my 5 little dates, it was a great day!

Some Deep thoughts

These two NEVER cease to amaze me with the closeness that they have for each other! Last night Rhett was having a REALLY hard time, like hysterical because he REALLY misses his dad living here. He said that when he is here he misses his dad, and when he is there he misses me. I have never been a child of a divorce and really cant understand how it feels for these little ones. I do however know what it is like to think you have your life planned out with your spouse, who you love more than you can even imagine . I also know what it is like to realize that your goals and plans cant be with him any more. I remember so vividly the day their dad and I sat down with these two to tell them that he wasnt going to be living at our home anymore. I did most of the talking, i say talking but if I could call it shocking that would make more sense. Their dad stood next to the fire place and was sobbing so hard he couldnt speak, and it took everything in my power to not fall apart on the floor, but I knew these sweet innocnet boys needed the strenght. I have all the time later when I am in my own bed with the door locked to break. and I know that day will be forever burned in there minds, as it will be for me as well. They both listened to every word and every emotion that was shared that night. I spend countless nights holding them and sobbing with them, until we were to exhausted to keep our eyes open. I wish so bad that I could take that away from them and erase it from their memory, but I cant. I can make sure that I am here when they have a hard time or when they just need a hug, sometimes that all they need. We chose not to have then girls in the convo because they are still so small and cant quite grasp the divorce concept.
Well Lastnight, out of the blue, Rhett and Chase came in and wanted t talk. So i let them in to lay in my bed for a bit. I had no idea Rhett was so upset. He usually lets me know before but this time he just laid in my lap and bawlled his eyes out. It broke my heart to hear those sobs! I cant imagine how our Father in Heaven feels to sit back and know that we just need a hug, and he isnt here to hold us til we are alright. But there are reminders for us that he is here and that he would hold us and never let go if we didnt need to learn something from all of this.
So after Rhett had calmed down a bit, we were just sitting in my bed and Chase was laying on the opposite side of me and he looked up and said
"So I have a question dude, does anyone beat you up at school?"
Rhett: "no but sometimes I get picked on"
Chase: "dude point them out and I will back you up!"
I literally tried my hardest not to laugh, but I know Chase meant it! These two really are here to help eachother out, no DOUBT! I love my children and I am grateful everyday for the role they play in my life! Our Father in Heaven really has shown me how lucky I am!

Resolutions WHAT?!

So I have started......AGAIN! These beauties are one the the things that really do make me feel productive! The smell of the saw dust and the sound of my saws just make me smile! And knowing that when the saw turns off that hopefully (if my math is correct) it will turn into something pretty and useful! I made a few shelves for a good friends mom right before xmas and it made me feel sooo good! Anyone that knows me knows that home depot and lowes are up there on my fav places to shop! My dad actually said that most girls he knows go to the mall when they are depressed and I go to Home depot and buy a smoker for yummy meat! He is right about that! While I do love Forever21 and Nordy's I just looooove a good hardware store!
These are almost done here! I love finding things that other people may think is trash and making something pretty and useful out of them!